I’M A BIPOLAR SINGLE MOM
As a mom, I want to raise my son in a positive and healthy environment. But being bipolar; A condition not treatable, genetically passed and can only be managed by meds I don’t want to take because of worse side effects. It’s a challenge. My life isn’t perfect and it’s almost an open book. Tragic stories have been written on this blog. From my ex-husband abandoning us, to financial management problems I overcame a few years back. Today I am stressed and I don’t want macho kid to see me slowly breaking down.
IN THE VERGE OF A MENTAL BREAKDOWN
I won’t go into the details of what is giving me triggers of my aggression. Maybe because I’m becoming the emotional punching bag of my problematic mom. She isn’t perfect but I don’t think she raised me well because if she did I think I’d be more successful than what I am today. An emotional mess.
My only saving grace at this point right now is macho kid. For 8 years he’s been giving me nothing but joy. He was never the type of child who would demand for expensive gifts. He smiles at the simplest things, and he knows he is loved. That’s what matters. There are some days that I want to give up. Occasional suicidal thoughts. Voices whispering to me “Go ahead. Kill yourself. They would be better off without you anyway. Who needs a toxic person? A toxic mom?
Macho kid has an obsession with putting lotion. This started when I left the Philippines to work in Singapore. He was barely 2 years old and I have to leave him. Don’t worry it was only for 6 months, I couldn’t bare another day without him. I went to Singapore to try and patch things up with his abandoning type of dad who left us for another woman. That was almost 8 years ago and Geof and I are doing better off now.
Don’t worry. Okay, back to his lotion obsession. I guess he gets a feeling of comfort and relief slathering the stuff on? So now it’s part of our weekly spend. His lotions. Oh yeah, Dove Baby is moisturizing and gentle for his skin. It’s his “lotion of the month“.
Yes. This blog is beyond beauty. It’s my official outlet for emotional breakdowns like this one instead of lashing it out on facebook or worse, my son. Writing is my outlet. I am able to express all my angst without resorting to physical violence. That’s how I’m able to face jop when I pick him up at school with a real smile. I just think of him, his future, and that he needs a stable mom to guide him along the way.
Thanks for reading. I’m not sure if anyone’s here. I started writing this post with the feeling of so much pent up anger that I want to throw this laptop and punch everyone I encounter. Now I’m ending this blog feeling relieved. No one is perfect but do try. Try to be a better person each day.