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If you’ve been reading this blog since it started back 2009, I do post my intimate personal musings since my life is an open book. It’s been a while since I wrote a personal musing because I just want to share you something. I can proudly say that the current state of my relationship is fine, I couldn’t be any happier. I mean I should be. I could be the luckiest girl in the world right now.
It would fill in the entire post if I write every single thing I appreciate about him. We shouldn’t have any problems at all. We rarely fight, and when we argue; we simply state what we don’t like and what we should avoid next time. Then we’re all good.
Well folks, in my previous relationships that wasn’t the case. I have to be honest with you, as much as I would like to give my 100% I can’t. It’s like every time I get broken. A piece of me gets lost along the way, and I couldn’t love the way that I used to.
#1 My Impulsive Mistake of My Youth
- He was my college crush. I had to make him mine and I did. We got married, I was 21, he was 23. We had nothing and had to work our way to our individual careers in IT to survive, not to mention I was pregnant (I got pregnant after I got married FYI). We struggled to make ends meet that he had to work abroad, in Singapore. I thought long distance relationships can work. I trusted him. But 5 months after, on Christmas eve, he came home and I knew something was different. He changed. He turned cold. It was the saddest Christmas of my life. Me and my son, locked up in a room. He was away with his mistress. It took a few weeks, before finally admitting he fell in love with someone else.
- I wanted to save our marriage, even with 1% chance of making it through I tried. I got work in Singapore. Alone. I stayed their for 5 months hoping that being there would make any difference but it was too late. I even met the other woman face to face, but he chose her, over me and Geof.
- I came back to the Philippines to start anew.
He’s probably not the one for me. We were too young, too rash, too impulsive. We had so many things we had to accomplish but could not because we got married too soon. We’re friends now. For the sake of our son. It’s ironic that the sole reason he left was to sustain our family but it ends up broken.
Learn to love yourself first, before finding love from someone else. Don’t rush into things.
#2 Walking on Eggshells
We met online I was disillusioned of making a pickup artist fall in love with me. I thought he’s the one. It was false imagery. An illusion. Trapped by sweet words and promises. He was jobless. I was the one who clothed him, fed him, and supported him emotionally and financially all throughout our almost 2-year relationship. But I was emotionally and physically manipulated and abused. I thought all of this was “love”. He made me feel everything I did was wrong. That I was the reason he did these things. That he was the savior. Turns out everything was in reverse. Even the smallest things, was wrong. It was automatically a mistake if I didn’t do things the way things should be done in his beliefs. I had no voice.
If it wasn’t for that fateful day, it would probably take a couple more years before I woke up in this disillusioned mess.
(for full story read: Escaping an Abusive Relationship)
Leave. While you can. Don’t be blinded by false promises. It will never get better, only worse. Know your worth.
#3 Third Time’s the Charm?
Now here’s what’s strange. I couldn’t expound any further. I want to be madly in love with him. I can’t. My heart has been damaged enough that it seems to built up a wall made of iron and steel, enclosed with chains and locked. Where’s the key? I think it’s with him. I gave it. But it’s a key chain full of different kinds that it will take him time to find the one. One that can fully open my heart once more to love completely. Unconditionally. He is everything I dreamed of. He’s finally here but is it too late? Am I too damaged to reciprocate the way that it needs to be?
I just found someone who can read my thoughts. Make me feel secure even without me saying a single word. Genuinely taking care of me even with the simplest ways, let me bullet some of the examples. As this is the first time that someone did these things for me
- Picking up my phone after forgetting that I left it on the table (I constantly lose mobile phones approximately 5x a year)
- Noticing I’m not sitting on a comfortable chair, he found me a new one which has back support and we exchange seats.
- Opening the door for me like a true gentleman
- He makes me laugh. Happy.
- Remembering small details, even the snippets of stories I tell him.
- TIME. He’s probably in his busiest moment of his life more than ever and for me, TIME is the most valuable thing in the world and he gives it to me generously without any questions.
- We rarely say “I love yous” to one another (maybe once or twice in a month? and mostly it’s slip of the tongue but his actions speaks louder than saying I love you a hundred times.
But here’s the thing. I’m hella scared. I still get bouts of insecurities that I have to rely on temporary physical reliefs to feel better when he’s not around. I don’t know what will happen if my heart gets broken again. I can take it. I know I won’t die physically, but my soul has been tormented for so long. It’s surreal.
Stay. What are you still afraid of? You’ve been through hell and back. Twice. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Go ahead. Fall in love. Life is short.
Wow. Congratulations for reaching the end of the post. If you want to tell yourself something, what would it be?