Living with Depression in the Midst of a Global Pandemic
It’s raining today. As I gaze out of my window into the murky sky, I let myself get lost in my thoughts again. I ponder on how life used to be like, back when things used to be so focused and in control; that was easily over 3 months ago before the nationwide quarantine was implemented. It seems so long ago, but I guess time does move awfully slow when you’re suspended in isolation let alone when you are struggling with your mental state as well. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression last December 2019. It was not something that came out of the blue, nor was it news to me since I’ve…
Understanding Bipolar Disorder – My Story
I’ve been trying to tell my relatives there was something wrong with me since I was in 2nd grade, every year, high school, college. They kept saying there was nothing wrong. “You’re not sick . You’re not crazy. ” ” They invented these illness for you to take drugs and get addicted and they make more money “ Until I graduated, I got myself a job, and after a few years, I decided to go to the psych myself. I’m diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder. For years I suffered bullying, misunderstanding, anxiety, depression, and numerous cases of impulsive decisions that made my life even more miserable than it should. I wonder if I…
Bipolar Musings: On Rapid Cycling and How Time is Never Enough
I promised myself that I’ll finish as much tasks in my head tonight. Just to clear away debris and unnecessary thoughts. Tomorrow I told macho kid we’ll watch Jurassic World again tomorrow in the cinema. Even if we already watched it last week, it’s the first time he genuinely liked a movie. This post was written: June 16 2018 I’m writing this now as a break. I have a couple of pending ideas on my desktop notes, and a hundred in my head. I’ve been experiencing a roller-coaster of extremes these past few days. My depression and mania have been switching at a more frequent pace than before. What is Rapid Cycling? Bipolar disorder is…
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Personal Musings: Letting Go of Things You Can’t Control
The past few months I’ve been going through intense depression. I’m not able to focus on my work, sometimes I lash out on my family. A lot of thoughts are going in my head trying to find answers to questions like; Why is this happening to me? Why do they get these so and so opportunities and not me, when I deserve better When will this suffering end? How can I make-up for my wrong-doings? I wish I can turn back time What can I do to make you love me? (yes, the song from The Corrs) I was losing sleep, and losing my mind. Repeating different scenarios over and over in…
Bipolar Swings – Define Depression
Depression is not as simple as “feeling sad”. You can break a smile but still feel empty. I heard someone give me an advice to “cry it out” but there’s nothing coming out. I can’t cry. At times I drift into thoughts where people I love would be better without me. My days of negativity can be burdensome. Why do I do what I do? What is the meaning of life? Why do we even exist? I’m hanging by a thread. This will not last forever. Nothing does. #BeingBipolar is an everyday struggle. When we’re manic, we can be productive, but our inhibitions are low. When we’re depressed, we need to have twice, thrice the…
Sentimental Sundays – A Confession I’m Letting Out of my Chest
It’s not Sunday I know, I was supposed to publish this on Sunday but I failed the Marshmallow test again. I can never compete with anyone but myself. It’s a battle I’ve had, well we’ve had since we were born. To survive what we call life. I’m 29, a single work at home mom, and struggling. Why struggling? I have to be honest with you, everyone at least. I left my high-paying corporate job not by choice but by force. I was in a highly abusive relationship that left me emotionally and mentally unstable, stacking on top of my bipolar condition. The evil man manipulated me into leaving my job. Now there’s no…
