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The past few months I’ve been going through intense depression. I’m not able to focus on my work, sometimes I lash out on my family. A lot of thoughts are going in my head trying to find answers to questions like;
- Why is this happening to me?
- Why do they get these so and so opportunities and not me, when I deserve better
- When will this suffering end?
- How can I make-up for my wrong-doings?
- I wish I can turn back time
- What can I do to make you love me? (yes, the song from The Corrs)
I was losing sleep, and losing my mind. Repeating different scenarios over and over in my head. What if I do this? Will it make it better? What if I had done this? Would things be different? Are you missing someone? Call them 100 times in their phones and each time is unanswered. Leave hundreds of messages and all you get is seenzoned (I’m exagerating but you get my point). Eventually you’ll get tired.
But this morning I realized. The only thing we have control of is ourselves. Not your boyfriend, not your friend, not anyone or anything. We cannot force ourselves to someone who doesn’t even care. No matter what we do we cannot change their minds. What can we do? Let go and let it be. Sure there are days that we’ll still feel sad and empty inside. We’re only human. But at least make an effort to take care of yourself. While waiting for that opportunity, your soulmate, or anything you want. Try to focus on YOU.
Dress well, eat well, enrich your soul with knowledge. Learn something new, do something you haven’t done before. This might sound cliche but learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all (yes I’m quoting another song this time from Whitney Houston).
I’m letting go not for anyone else, but for myself. I don’t know how long I can keep up with this. Being bipolar is a constant struggle. I may sound sane today, but I don’t know tomorrow.