Intimacy Issues: On Fears and Fallbacks

Have you ever been so traumatized from a relationship, that there’s always this lingering fear of abandonment. I’m writing my feelings away as of this moment. I’m enveloped with so much sadness for no reason. Maybe there is. Maybe it won’t go away.

In my 15+ years of experience on dating and relationships (naks! do mistakes count?), there’s always a lesson to be learned on each one. But does every disappointment make us stronger, or weaker? Most people would probably answer the former.

I’m going to open up a bit to anyone who’s reading this post right now. There are days when I feel I don’t deserve to be loved. Or when I am, I’m scared that one day they’ll wake up not feeling the same and leave. This single fear of being left “alone” made me “collect” possible fallbacks (disclaimer: this was me BEFORE)

What is a Fallback?

According to the dictionary, it means:

backup
reserve
contingency
spare
alternative

Same with my relationship definition. A backup plan in case this one doesn’t work out. I’ll have something to hold on to so I won’t get to break down as much. But you know what? Based on my personal experience, fallbacks are never effective cushions.

On Fears and Fallbacks

I’ll share this story as a generic one. Because the template and cycle is basically the same.

I’m in a relationship
I feel insecure
I have fears of abandonment
I’ll find 2-3 backup plans
Karma bites me in the ass

They never work because we can only be truly happy with the one we love. And most of the time we lose the one we love the most because of stupid ideas like finding fallbacks. It’s also unfair to the other party because you’re just using them as reserves. Besides. Regrets are felt when it’s just too late. I learned my lesson the hard way and I almost, almost lost something good because of it.

Am I still afraid? Yes, sometimes. Love is not just a feeling. It’s a choice we make everyday. So why waste time on finding it somewhere else when it’s already with you the whole time. If it doesn’t last as long as I wanted, at least it was good while it lasted.